White lies are viewed by most Americans as an acceptable form of communication. Maybe some people will argue that there are circumstances where you should tell a white lie to preserve someone's feelings or avoid confrontation, circumstances where if you don't tell the lie, you are the one being callous and mean. I disagree with all of that and pretty much always have. (A white lie is a lie that is meant to politely keep someone from a painful truth when the truth isn't that important. For example, telling someone that her ugly dress is actually cute is a white lie, but so is telling someone that you think her boyfriend is nice when he's actually giving you red flags.) Reasons 1 and 2: The truth shouldn't be that hurtful, and criticism should be a catalyst for growth. The primary excuse preferred by people telling white lies is that white lies are meant to minimize harm. If a friend would be deeply hurt by a piece of information, then it is better to withhold this piece of information or give an outright false piece of information to preserve the friend's feelings, but is this really necessary? Is this really good in the long run? Different from most positivity-obsessed folks, I really don't mind being judged or even disliked. Other people not liking me has no relevance to my self-worth, and I really don't care if people don't like my outfit or think that my writing is garbage, so giving me "the harsh truth" really won't hurt me. In fact, sometimes I want to be critiqued, for someone to tell me what's wrong with me to help me improve. None of us are perfect, and all of us have room for growth. If you are so afraid of hurting your friend's feelings that you won't tell her that there's something wrong with her even when she asks you, you're preventing her from growing. My ideal setup is one where people grow through receiving criticism (as long as they're not purposefully worded in a way that's mean) and don't take disagreements so personally. Just because someone doesn't like your outfit or hates your favorite movie doesn't mean that they hate you as a person, but if you truly buy into the whole "telling white lies is the best policy" thing, it's easy to believe that the only reason why someone would tell you "the harsh truth" is that they don't like you and don't mind hurting you. Reason 3: White lies can violate people's explicit wishes and lead people down the wrong path due to misinformation. White lies are partially defined as lies about things that aren't important, but the issue is that you can't always predict what other people consider important. When you tell someone a white lie, you are telling them that the true answer to this question isn't important, but what if it is to them? How can you know? How can you tell the difference between a stranger fishing for compliments and the same stranger asking for genuine advice? You don't know their mannerisms yet. You think that the truth would hurt them too much. How can you know? Let them decide what's important to them and how to react to things. On an individual basis, there are instances where telling a white lie isn't the worst thing that you can do. If your friend is asking about her outfit, and you know that your friend is only fishing for compliments, and your friend also understands that she's only fishing for compliments, a white lie wouldn't be inappropriate since your friend is expecting you to lie to her. I've met individuals who are perfectly fine with white lies and don't care what the truth is. Telling white lies to those individuals could be interpreted as simply granting them their wish. On the other hand, some people like me make it explicitly clear that we don't appreciate dishonesty. We are hurt beyond words when we discover that someone has lied to us. Telling us white lies is the opposite of respecting our wish (and harm our feelings too). The other thing about the culture of white lies is that it doesn't just affect the person receiving the lie. If you truly believe that people who have nothing nice to say shouldn't speak at all, it can feel very uncomfortable to give advice even when someone has made it explicitly clear that they want your genuine opinion on something important. The culture of white lies can also push someone to keep their mouth shut about crucial matters. Maybe you meet a friend's boyfriend who the friend is absolutely infatuated with, but you think it's actually a creep. You don't feel comfortable pointing it out because you know that your friend would be insulted, and you don't want to be rude, so you instead say that they're cute together. Your friend is happy... for a few weeks before the guy starts cheating on her or turns abusive. When in doubt, just tell the truth. Maybe the truth is important. Maybe it's not, but that's not your call. Reason 4: Lies often come out, and when they do, they often cause more pain than they would've if they were told promptly and sensitively in the first place. One kind of dishonesty that I particularly dislike is pretending to be someone's friend when you actually don't like them all that much. You can't keep it up forever. Eventually, the person you've tried to be polite to is going to find out that they've been pouring their heart into a friendship that isn't real. I think this is more of a common issue with younger people who're forced into friendships by parents or teachers or people who have friend groups that include someone that they don't like, but there is literally no positive side to pretending to be someone's friend. The positive side to telling someone that you don't like them (if they've been trying hard to make friends with you) is that they can leave you alone or even better, maybe they didn't realize that they've been doing a little thing to annoy you, they fix their flaw, and you two become real friends. In summary, whether it's morally okay on an individual basis tell a white lie is often up to whether the person is expecting a white lie or not. If they've made it clear that they want the truth, tell them the truth. If you're not sure, tell them the truth. The information could be more important than you previously thought. However, I would personally prefer to live in a world where white lies aren't necessary. To review: Reasons 1 and 2: The truth shouldn't be that hurtful, and criticism should be a catalyst for growth. Reason 3: White lies can violate people's explicit wishes and lead people down the wrong path due to misinformation. Reason 4: Lies often come out, and when they do, they often cause more pain than they would've if they were told promptly and sensitively in the first place. Originally written 3 February 2020
0 Comments
|
Archives
February 2020
Categories |