As an introvert with some value of self-esteem, I get pressured into things very often (because I'd never willingly do them). Every time there’s a dance or another useless social function, all the extroverts around me go, “Just go. You’ll like it.” This statement has always been incredibly odd to me. What makes them think that they, strangers, can tell me what I might like? (Everyone who’s known me for more than a few days knows I will not like it, so most people who tell me to attend social functions and such are strangers.) Of course they probably enjoy attending social functions, as must extroverts do. But how did they survive this long and have never discovered that differences exist between individual humans? Some people have the decency to accept they don’t know everything. They’ll instead say something a bit more chancy such as “You’ll probably like it. You won’t know unless you try.” This is also an incorrect statement for practical reasons. I have enjoyed one social function I thought I’d hate. I was in summer camp, and the first Saturday had a sports day where every single person was required to attend. I ended up bonding with a couple girls who also hated sports. None of us participated in the sports but hid until it was over. Kids had to volunteer to participate—the adults didn’t have a list of our names—so we simply pretended we’d already gone if someone approached us about it. I ended up making a best friend for the rest of the summer, and we kept in contact for a few years after that. So it’s true that I might have fun if I attended every social event possible, but that’s not practical. If we assume a chance meeting like this appears for every fifty social event I attended, I would be wasting countless hours of time making myself bored and uncomfortable for the sake of chasing that one chance encounter. It’s simply not practical. Also, that sports day was required for everyone, introverted or extroverted. I only met that special girl because she was forced to attend too. Attending optional social functions would be near useless for me because I generally only bond with introverts, and no self-respecting introvert would willingly attend some social function. So why should I force myself to go? As for thinking I’d enjoy a social function for its main purpose… Some people seem to believe I was born an introvert and have never tried a single extroverted thing in my life. That’s just false. I, and most introverts I know, have spent our childhoods pretending to be extroverted in order to fit in with our classmates and avoid negative attention from adults. I’ve been to several dances and other social functions—both required and optional ones—and they’ve all bored me to death. Why would I force myself to attend a seventh dance? Doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different outcomes is simply idiotic. I know myself quite well. I haven’t changed since those dances in any core ways. If anything, I’ve become even more introverted, at least at first glance, because I’ve become more sure of myself and gave up pretending to look extroverted. Stop telling introverts—or really anyone who’s different from you—that we’d have fun if we only tried to push our boundaries. We know ourselves better than you do. Stop thinking you know anything about strangers’ lives and what their version of fun entails. Originally written 26 January 2018
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First of all, if you’re strangers with the person in the abusive relationship, you have no way of knowing if their significant other “actually loves” them. You’re an outsider; what makes you think you know? Unless you know both individuals well, you don’t have the authority to make any claims. Plus, most times it just comes out like, “You’re the one misunderstanding him. It’s your fault,” even if that’s not your intent. In my experience, I’ve never heard anyone say, “He loves you. If you tell him he’s hurting you, he’ll understand and change.” It’s always just the first part, and all that really means is, “Love should be enough,” because you aren’t suggesting for any kind of change. Why would anyone seriously hurt someone they loved anyway? They shouldn’t be in a relationship if they lack empathy to that degree. And the thing is: love isn’t enough. If someone is abusing their child or significant other to the point of causing permanent damage—ruining their childhood, giving them post-traumatic stress disorder and expensive therapy bills, interfering with their school or work—love isn’t enough to undo all of that damage. Imagine if someone shot their friend while cleaning their gun. The person is bleeding to death whether the shooter meant to hit them or not. The shooter is still morally responsible for making sure their friend survives, and never accidentally shooting anyone again. While abuse obviously isn’t the same as this, it should still never be excused because its negative effects still haunt the victims. I’m guessing the most common reason someone might say, “I’m sure he loves you,” is because many individuals who haven’t been abused lack clear understanding of what abuse really entails, especially if they’re young. They might have been in a slightly difficult relationship due to personal differences—one side is messy, and their significant other is a neat-freak—and they’re trying to give victims of abuse advice based on what others have said to them while they were in the relationship. However, badly matched relationships and abusive ones are two completely different things. I know these people are trying to help. But when someone says they understand abusive relationships because their boyfriend once mocked their music preferences a month ago, it truly irritates me. I also believe some people fear the emotional consequences of validating someone else’s abuse. For example, if I have a boyfriend who hits me when he’s drunk, and another woman is in the same situation, and she tells me he loves me, she’ll validate not only my relationship but her own as well. If she says, “Break up with him. He sounds terrible,” she’ll have to confront why she’s refusing to take her own advice. It’s easier to believe both our boyfriends are actually good men inside than deal with breaking up with him, especially if there’s already children involved. Humans also fear living in a bad world where vile individuals walk among us. We all know bad folks exist, but the idea that we live in a world where the individuals we encounter on a daily basis might be horrid creatures underneath scares us. If a woman reveals her husband, who is a doctor, abuses her, and we validate that, we’ll have to face the fact our own doctors might be terrible humans, and we don’t want to because it makes us feel insecure. We’d rather create the illusion we live in a safe world and not worry about all that because at least it’s happening to someone else. What you should say instead depends on the person and your relationship to them. If you’re strangers, saying, “That sucks,” might seem lazy. But at least it validates their abuse. You could also say, “I hope it’ll get better.” This provides some optimism, but you won’t be assuming anything either. If you’re friends, you could say, “Is there anything I could do to help?” Or, “You can talk to me about it,” though don’t say this unless you mean it. They might take you up on your offer. Simply, find something to say that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or make you sound like you know more about their lives than they do. There are instances where, “I’m sure he loves you,” is a fine thing to say. Like mentioned above, this can be a good thing to say to someone in a relationship where it’s just a bad match. But unless you’re sure of what you’re saying, pick another line. Originally written 22 January 2018
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