First of all, if you’re strangers with the person in the abusive relationship, you have no way of knowing if their significant other “actually loves” them. You’re an outsider; what makes you think you know? Unless you know both individuals well, you don’t have the authority to make any claims. Plus, most times it just comes out like, “You’re the one misunderstanding him. It’s your fault,” even if that’s not your intent. In my experience, I’ve never heard anyone say, “He loves you. If you tell him he’s hurting you, he’ll understand and change.” It’s always just the first part, and all that really means is, “Love should be enough,” because you aren’t suggesting for any kind of change. Why would anyone seriously hurt someone they loved anyway? They shouldn’t be in a relationship if they lack empathy to that degree. And the thing is: love isn’t enough. If someone is abusing their child or significant other to the point of causing permanent damage—ruining their childhood, giving them post-traumatic stress disorder and expensive therapy bills, interfering with their school or work—love isn’t enough to undo all of that damage. Imagine if someone shot their friend while cleaning their gun. The person is bleeding to death whether the shooter meant to hit them or not. The shooter is still morally responsible for making sure their friend survives, and never accidentally shooting anyone again. While abuse obviously isn’t the same as this, it should still never be excused because its negative effects still haunt the victims. I’m guessing the most common reason someone might say, “I’m sure he loves you,” is because many individuals who haven’t been abused lack clear understanding of what abuse really entails, especially if they’re young. They might have been in a slightly difficult relationship due to personal differences—one side is messy, and their significant other is a neat-freak—and they’re trying to give victims of abuse advice based on what others have said to them while they were in the relationship. However, badly matched relationships and abusive ones are two completely different things. I know these people are trying to help. But when someone says they understand abusive relationships because their boyfriend once mocked their music preferences a month ago, it truly irritates me. I also believe some people fear the emotional consequences of validating someone else’s abuse. For example, if I have a boyfriend who hits me when he’s drunk, and another woman is in the same situation, and she tells me he loves me, she’ll validate not only my relationship but her own as well. If she says, “Break up with him. He sounds terrible,” she’ll have to confront why she’s refusing to take her own advice. It’s easier to believe both our boyfriends are actually good men inside than deal with breaking up with him, especially if there’s already children involved. Humans also fear living in a bad world where vile individuals walk among us. We all know bad folks exist, but the idea that we live in a world where the individuals we encounter on a daily basis might be horrid creatures underneath scares us. If a woman reveals her husband, who is a doctor, abuses her, and we validate that, we’ll have to face the fact our own doctors might be terrible humans, and we don’t want to because it makes us feel insecure. We’d rather create the illusion we live in a safe world and not worry about all that because at least it’s happening to someone else. What you should say instead depends on the person and your relationship to them. If you’re strangers, saying, “That sucks,” might seem lazy. But at least it validates their abuse. You could also say, “I hope it’ll get better.” This provides some optimism, but you won’t be assuming anything either. If you’re friends, you could say, “Is there anything I could do to help?” Or, “You can talk to me about it,” though don’t say this unless you mean it. They might take you up on your offer. Simply, find something to say that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or make you sound like you know more about their lives than they do. There are instances where, “I’m sure he loves you,” is a fine thing to say. Like mentioned above, this can be a good thing to say to someone in a relationship where it’s just a bad match. But unless you’re sure of what you’re saying, pick another line. Originally written 22 January 2018
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